Weak Moment

And the moment had come back again. I was just a press away from that. I took a deep breath and thought again. I repeated everything and calculated all pros and cons for this act and then I pressed. And the moment I pressed, I developed a cold feet, my heartbeat went for a toss. It felt like, it was about the stop. I looked around, reassess the consequences, a drop of sweat trickled from my forehead.
“I shouldn’t do that. I can’t do that “I decided.
I put a brake on my act. I kept pressing and started erasing everything simultaneously until everything was wiped out, even from my memory. Once everything was clear, I released myself. My weak moment was over.

Everyone has their shares of weak moment in their life, when the acts are not controlled by mind or heart but by the instinct. The regrets for those act doesn’t heal easily .I too had lots of weak moments in my life about which I rue even today. What if, I would have controlled myself for those few minutes, the situations and life afterwards would be less embarrassing. The harder I try to conquer these moments, the more aggressively they attack on me. Even I feel that recently the frequency of occurrence of these weak moments has increased a bit. I guess, reason for increase in frequency of occurrence is using Facebook a bit more.

Facebook is a wonderful place to be in. They say that they use it, to check how are their old pals doing in life and make new friends. But for me it’s a bit different. I care a damn about what’s happening in my friend’s life and most importantly the videos and pictures they share. I have very less interest or in fact no interest in making new friends, But still I use Facebook. The reason for my Facebook usage is specifically to keep an eye on my exes. My definition of exes are different  and they have different classifications too. It includes my crush to whom I never said anything. My first love to whom I never expressed my real feelings, my second love to whom I shared everything but she didn’t understood anything, my third love to whom I shared everything but she pretended not to understood anything, my fourth love, to whom I shared everything and she understood everything and then there was a kick on my butt or as an exception case to whom I was the love of her life but I didn’t had the courage to reciprocate.
Okay, fine, the last classification does not hold true for me but still I mentioned it as it gives a feel good feeling to me.
So, now coming to my exes, they all have something common, other than I am not in touch with anyone and that is their penchant for Check-in in Facebook. They check-in every time. They check-in, when they visit malls. They check-in, when they visit good restaurants. They check-in, when they watch movies. They check-in, when they watch live concerts or matches and off course they check-in, when they fly to foreign locations. In other words, they don’t need GPS, Facebook works for them. I believe, soon there will be an upgrade in OLA or UBER, which will send an automated notifications to these FB profiles regarding availability of their Cab in the area they checked-in.
“Maa’m/Sir, We found that you checked-in in Opium restaurant. From your live reporting of event through pictures posted in the timelines, looks like you have a great time. If the Boozing , put you on high and difficult to walk straight ,Our cab driver is waiting for you outside the restaurant and will drive you to your destination “

That was one of such Saturday, when I had to come out of my blanket due to some really unavoidable circumstances. Some guest had come to my house and I couldn’t pretend to smile and engage in conversation with them. I excused myself from their unending revolutionary discussions and came out of my home. I had nothing to do, so I went to nearby mall. I hate malls. I don’t like people sitting or standing in the middle of the mall, without any specific reason. I don’t like the happy faces in the malls, as if it’s a mark of achievement. I don’t like the mentality developed in Indian middle class, where visiting malls on weekend is as mandatory as watching Rangoli on Sunday, when we were kids.
But I choose mall because it was still first half of the Saturday and malls are less crowded in the earlier hour as most people prefer to sleep late (Another form of Weekend fun) after a rocking Friday night. Well, I didn’t know how my guest curbed their weekend fun and came so early to my house. I took a corner area in the mall far away from some couples, who were sitting together, holding each other’s hand, giggling and head resting on other’s shoulders, as if they are the Kajol and Shahrukh Khan of this generation.
“What to do?” I thought, those cozy couples were annoying me.
I took my mobile. I had nothing to do in the mobile too. My fingers went on some familiar app. It was Facebook. As expected, my irritation subside and a witty smile came to my face. I got occupied in my Job, to check my exes. I love this Job. If they become fat, my smile get wider. If they become more pretty, I envy it. If they post their pictures with their spouse, I scrutinize their spouse and try to find anything negative out of a perfect loving couple.
That day, I was also doing the same. There was some random old picture shared by one of such exes, here I won’t divulge whether she came in the category of fourth love or not. After that everything went as expected. She was looking pretty, as usual. I stopped scrolling on the screen, as usual. I started staring her picture, as usual. These are the times, when Weak moments attack you. You want to tie the broken string, once again. You want a connection with her once again.
The Weak moment took the control over me. I opened the messenger and wrote something for her. Most of the time, my direct messages were cheesy but that day it was not. It was a simple and short message enquiring her where about. I wrote, I repeated everything which I wrote. I thought again, I calculated all scenarios and I pressed. But before releasing the finger from send option, cold feet developed, my heartbeat went for a toss. It felt like, it was about the stop. I looked around, reassess the consequences, a drop of sweat trickled from my forehead.
“I shouldn’t do that. I can’t do that “I decided.
And I deleted everything from other hand. Once I was sure that I have deleted everything from the conversation window and no notification would be sent to her, I released my finger. My weak moment was over. I closed the app and came out in the senses.

But I had nothing to do, I was sure that my guest would not go before a heavy lunch and may be after evening snacks. I looked around. People had started coming. I started seeing the faces beaming with some sort of achievement after entering into malls. I tolerated till my endurance level. Atlast I again opened the Facebook and there was surprise waiting for me.
The Same ex, to whom I was about to send message few minutes back had checked-in in a Coffee house and that too in the same city and in the same mall , where I was currently. Now even if I won’t disclose whether she belonged to the category of fourth love or not, it was completely normal that I had an urge to see her once, obviously from a distance.
Now the coffee house was elite one on its own and to check-in in that coffee house in Facebook was like feeling foreign and upper class for my attention seeker ex.

I looked at myself. A loose, unwashed, faded jeans, a wrinkled t-shirt, a pair of sleepers and messy uncombed dry hair. I put my hand inside the pocket, few notes of hundred rupees folded multiple times came out of it. That was not enough to enter the coffee shop. Luckily my wallet had my debit card. Although it was around the end of month but still I thought that the card would definitely pay for a cup of coffee.
I entered inside and the security person gave me a dirty look. I smiled and went inside. I had to be extra alert over there. I had to look for my so called ex and also I had to make sure that she didn’t recognize me , which I believe was not difficult by looking at my hair style and attire. I looked around cautiously and my heart sank. I found her. She was sitting alone in the center part of the shop. I looked around and found a table, which was few meters away from her table. From where I could see her easily but she had to look a bit left to see me . I sat, my heartbeat was a bit fast. I lowered my face and positioned the menu card lying on the table to hide my face. Then I looked at her furtively. She had put some weight but still …, she had changed her dressing sense but still…she had changed her hair style but still….but still her eyes had not changed ..but still her facial expressions had not changed..but still she looked appealing. I looked around, if she had come with some one? From Facebook I got to know that she got married few years back.
“Where is her husband?” A thought came inside me
“She looks a bit sad, definitely she has left her husband “A sadistic pleasure creeped in my mind.
“One Wrong decision and regret for the life” I was referring about ignoring myself over her husband
My thought process ended abruptly as someone came between my sight and her face. It was waiter. She gave some orders and I knew what that was. The waiter wrote it in the paper and came towards me, I sanked a bit more in my chair.
“Your order Sir ? “ He asked
“Caffe mocha “ I replied , I knew ,this was the order from other table too, after all I had spent few years with her.

But to boost my ego , I asked the waiter.
“So, same order twice , easier for you ..right ?” I said
“Sorry Sir “ The waiter replied
“Everyone is ordering Caffe mocha today “ I said
He just smiled. Still to get confirmation , I engaged him in some talk about the Coffee house , just to see his sheet , where he wrote the orders for her.
“Espresso Macchiato” I read
I made a bitter face . Waiter left and she was again in my sight.
“So what , she must have ordered it for a change “ I consoled myself.
“Or People changes “I realized
Then she started looking at her mobile and I noticed her nail paint. She always liked different nail paint designs. I smiled.
“Some habits are hard to go “
Then I looked at her mobile .
“I Phone”
It reminded me of my first interaction with her, a cheesy one.

I was noticing her for few days and couldn’t get the courage to talk to her. That day, she was sitting alone. I looked around, no one was near her and I was sure that I could ran like Milkha Singh in case someone tries to beat me and agile enough to save my self , in case someone tries to slap me.

“Hey, you use iphone right ?” I asked
She gave a puzzled look. I took my iphone look alike local Chinese phone from my pocket.
“Your’s is iphone, can you fix my phone ?” I said
“Yaa, Sure, what is the problem? “ She replied , If you have an iphone , suddenly you become decent enough person for a girl to start conversation.
I came a bit closer to her.
“It doesn’t have your number in it “ I replied and grinned
I was nearer, so she noticed that mine was a Chinese model and after my response. I was ready to cover myself, incase she would hit me with something.
But she smiled.

“Sir, Your Coffee” The Waiter ended my past heroic introduction scene. This scene had diverted my attention from her. I again looked at her and saw she wore sunglasses.
“Sunglasses, inside coffee house. People get mad and she was mad earlier too. “I thought
“That’s why she ignored my feeling and chose some random X, Y or Z” I said slyly to myself.
“But still she looked pretty” I added. The Week moment was about to come.
To make it more difficult for me , the shop played the song “Man Aamadeh Am “ from Coke Studio .It killed me , I lost myself.
Coke studio was one of our favorite show and we used to listen to their songs by sharing different sides of my untidy, tangled and messy earphone.
I didn’t realize that she was looking for something and in process of this, she looked around me and stopped.
“Shit, she saw me “ I thought.
Her eyes were staring at me.
“Is She trying to recognize me ?”
“How come, someone forget this charming person ?“ I know, I have lot of misconception about myself.
I have to smile. I raised my hand and smiled and she turned in different direction.
She was looking at different direction and her sunglasses had gave me the illusion that she was looking at me.
But that few second of virtual eye contact and then back ground song had done the trick.
Atif was still singing.

Dil sambhal to jaayega
Par sambhle naheen
Tum hi koyi rasta dikhao na
Bas yahi main chaahun koyi baat karo
Hai suna man tujh bin aao na

And the week moment arrived.
“What’s wrong, if I talk to her once ?”
“What’s wrong , if I get to know, how is she ?”

“After all, she was one time love of my live ”

I decided . I looked at my face in the camera, it was not looking good.
“Let me come from wash room “ I decided ,my heart beat was running like Uber surge price.
I went inside washroom and quickly tried to clean my face with water, set my hair a bit. Then I looked at my t-shirt and jeans and tried to adjust it properly. I came out.
Atif was still singing

Khaahishon mein raho
Dhalte raho
Jaago to raat yeh kahe
Aa bhi ja baanhon mein

I looked towards her chair. She was not there. My heartbeat stopped. I looked around. She was at exit. She was leaving. I yelled but she was on the other side of glass now, so might have not heard me. I quickly ran toward the exit but stopped by the same security guard.
“Sir, Have you paid the bill “
“2 minutes, I am coming “ I replied
He looked at me from top to bottom and said
“Sir, please pay the bill first “
I came inside and asked for the bill at counter.
“How much is that?”
“Sir, please take your seat, we are giving you the bill “Lady at the counter replied
“See, it’s very urgent , I need to talk to the lady, who just left .” I pleaded.
“Take all my cashes and my debit card , I am coming in 5 minutes” I added
Needless to say that the cash amount was enough only for the service tax in the shop.
“Ok” The lady replied , but before she could say anything , the same waiter came .
“Sir, I was looking for you . There is a message from that madam for you “ He said
“What ?”
“When you were in the wash room. She gave it to me and told me to give it to you and after that she left “ The waiter clarified.
He gave me the paper. I sat back.
“Hey, You still look the same. Thought of talking to you. But sometimes it’s better not to touch the somehow settled sand castles. ….tc….” I read the paper.

Atif was still singing

Rokna chaahoon thaamna chaahoon
Ret kisi ke haath naa aaye
Rang bhar doon
Yaa rehne hi doon
Kaise hue mere apne paraaye

“Looks like , she overcomed her weak moment” I thought and later left from the coffee house.